Don't Ask Why

Years ago, I took a class on Restorative Justice through the International Institute for Restorative Practices. This was an excellent training that I used frequently with students, parents, and sometimes even teachers and administrators!

In our class, we learned not to question someone's actions by asking "why." It's surprising that "why" is often the first question posed in difficult situations:

"Why are you crying?"

"Why did you fail the test?"

"Why didn't you submit your homework?"

"Why did you lie to me?"

"Why did you drink and drive?"

In the practice of restorative justice, we understand that the dreaded "why" question often causes individuals to become defensive and even potentially provoke anger.

Through role play scenarious we learn to ask "What happened?"

instead. We learned that simply asking "What happened?" would get a much more insightful and honest explanation.

We would follow up wtih "What were you thinking of at the time?" This would often

explain what had happened or what was said that triggered the conflict. Sometime the conflict was simply a misunderstanding, other times it was "the last straw" that led someone to act out inappropriately or implulsively.

The next question was What have you thought about since? This would open the door to insightful contemplation, regret and willingness to apologize or correct their behaviour.

As adults, we can model conflict resolution. We can assist children and young adults in recognizing how their behavior, actions, or inaction has negatively impacted others.

We can teach children to advocate for themselves when they have been mistreated. Ending a restorative practice with the question, "What do you think you need to do to make things right?" often leads to a deeper understanding and a better approach to handling conflicts.

Next time you encounter a conflict, try asking "What happened?" instead of "Why?" You might be pleasantly surprised by its effectiveness.